My heart is heavy. Too much loss this week. Grandparents, babies. My friends are going through grief and sadness and I feel it so strongly.
Scott is in Cambodia. Landed yesterday. Leading a team of 19 to build a home for a family and build a bridge between two nations. Five young men who received homes here in Mexico are on that trip. Their first time out of the country. Our first time really releasing ourselves into the dream of bridging nations so that young Mexicans can be sent to the world. And first times usually mean lots of opposition.
And I feel it.
I started to pray, ‘Why?’ this morning, and instead I felt the question change in my heart. Instead, I prayed:
“What do you want to speak to me, God?”
Beyond understanding everything, I want His voice.
Immediately the words ‘fear’ and ‘control’ came to mind. It started unfolding so clearly – He was cautioning me to stay open to Him, open with my family and my husband, open with our calling. Hoarding and controlling will not manipulate Him. I can not control Him. All my right actions, my rituals that I think make everything turn out right, my patterns and schedules and right-ness. None of that matters. It only deepens the chasm of pride and pushes Him away. But I want to grasp and hold and grip and tighten. It’s a physical sense – squeezing my heart and rising in my throat.
My first thought was, ‘Okay – how can I fix it?’ But the gentle Whisperer said:
‘Not you. Me.’
I can’t fix it. Any effort on my part to surrender more or trust more or let go more is simply that – my own effort. Which, in the hands of this immature, struggling, tripping and slipping Daughter, is simply another way to control and hold things tighter.
What can be done?
Him. His character. HE IS THE REMEDY. Knowing HIM will release me from fear and control. Why? Because He took my place, took the burden and punishment of that fear and control and manipulation and pride. I do not have to carry it any more.
Lord, may I know You. Truly know You. May I continue to release all that I hold so dear. May I know – truly know – that I am free from the fear of mistakes, from my errors causing pain and harm. May I know your steadfastness, your unchanging ways, your eternal goodness.
You are perfect in all of your ways.