This month may be the last one that I am not pregnant. We are going to start trying for Baby #3 in January, maybe February. So much of me is excited for pregnancy and (hopefully!) a homebirth, but there is a lot that I want to happen first.
I want to stop eating sugar. For realsies.
I want all the money to come in for our next car and buy it and register it with Sentri.
I want to find a midwife who is experienced and will attend a homebirth for us here in Mexico.
I want to exercise regularly and with commitment. Like 5x a week.
I want to process all the emotions and baggage I have from Madison’s infancy and figure out what the heck happened.
I want to research vaccinations and circumcision and co-sleeping and other sleep teaching methods than CIO.
I want to get the kids’ passports and visas.
I want to organize the cloth diapers and get rid of what’s not working.
I want to prepare for proactive and nourishing decisions while I am pregnant – what I eat, what I read, what I do, what I think.
Yup, apparently it’s all about me. There is a lingering fear inside me that won’t go away, though. When I stop and listen, I can hear it whisper:
“What if you are not enough?”
I know that fear. It haunted me for months after Madison was born. It creeps up in my marriage. It sneaks around in our relationships. It hides in the corners of my mind whenever I think about health, wholeness, freedom, pursuit.
What if I can’t handle it? What if I implode? What if others see how weak I am? What if I have to ask for help.
I realize, once again, that it’s all about me.
What I want. What I fear.
That’s where I come back to. The selfish, inward focused life that I lead. I can pretend I am humble and think of others and sacrifice. Often…well, almost always… it’s an easy bait-and-switch to keep the ugly parts of my inner self safe from exposure.
I am glad it’s so obvious, though. Because I know I can’t live this way. I know I will never be enough. I will fail. I am weak. I don’t know what to do. Saying ‘YES’ to what God speaks often leads me to places that expose all of who I am.
Towards freedom. Towards wholeness. Towards Jesus.
May it be what He wants. Who He is.