I’ve switched things up a bit and tried this Christian Yoga practice the past two mornings. It begins by asking us to choose a fruit of the Spirit to focus on for the duration of the practice. I’ve chosen patience, and these two mornings have revealed something to me:
I don’t know how to be patient.
As I hold poses and stretch through postures, all I want to do is be done and stop hurting and get on to the next thing. I can endure it. I can hold on through ’til the end. But am I truly being patient?
Which touches on another revelation I’ve had lately – I’m using my hormones and emotions as excuses to act however I want. Since Madison was born, I’ve noticed that for a few keys days each month I am extremely short tempered, internally blame everyone else for all my problems, want to point fingers and scream, whole-heartedly play the self-pity card whenever possible, and pretty much convince myself that ‘No none else in the whole world is suffering as much as I am right now at this very minute.’
In those moments of wanting to snap at the world, I try to shove my emotions away and stuff them deeper and take a big breath and speak or think calmly. But it doesn’t solve anything. The feelings are still there. I’m still not patient. I’m just aguantando (putting up with it, holding out).
I know that there are biological hormones causing these shifts in emotions and moods. But do I believe that God is bigger, stronger, and Lord over those, too? Or is He in Heaven shaking His head and sighing, “Oh, yes. It’s that time of the month again for all women in the whole world. What am I to do?”
NO! He is bigger. He is stronger. He is Lord. But do I allow Him to be?
The questions forms in my mind – what is Biblical patience? How do I practice it in my life? It probably has a lot to do with dying to my own desires and giving up my rights and surrendering my entitled view of what I deserve.
I shudder as I pray this prayer, but….
‘Lord, I want to learn patience. Your patience. Show me.’