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This is Madison.

And a carrot.

She joined our family on August 14, 2012, in the wee hours of the morning.  Born all naturally on the floor on a birthing center in Chula Vista, CA.  Even though it sounds kinda horrible, that’s exactly how I wanted it to happen.

It’s been almost nine months since her birth.  I have had a very, very challenging time with this one.  I have spent most of my effort simply trying to manage her instead of opening my heart to embrace her.  How awful does that look…reading that in print.  Augh.

For months on end she would not nap longer than 45 minutes at a time.  If we were lucky.  She would wake up screaming and crying.  Many days we slogged through on an hourish of naps and collapsed into bedtime, praying she would only wake up once at night (if we were lucky).  Lots of tears.  From me and her.  Not wanting to be worn, but still wanting to be held, I learned how to live life with one hand and a grabby-reachey infant on my hip while a 2.5 year old little boy ran in circles around my legs.  She is much more sensitive than her brother was but at the same immensely independent.

Not until a few days ago did I feel like I actually had a moment where we connected.  We were both on the floor and she was sitting across from me.  A simple moment where our eyes connected, I made some funny noise, and she smiled and let a tiny giggle eek out.  She’s holds her laughter close to her chest, so the fact that she gave me a ‘hee-hee’ meant a lot.  I made another funny face.  She, another giggle.  And again.  For about thirty seconds we went back and forth, conversing with silly noises, giggles, and peek-a-boo.

I want to embrace her.  I want to bond and gush and stare and be overwhelmed.  I want to stop managing and start loving.

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2 thoughts on “Managing

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